Comic Fun

Last Halloween my oldest wanted to be Spiderman. We went out early and looked for a costume and found the perfect one. He was soooooo cute. One of our many celebrations involved going to Aunt Linda's for an afternoon party. I was taking random pictures and came away with this pose. (He had no idea this was what Spiderman did.....I think he had lost his balance.) I have been trying to figure out with to do with the picture.
Here is what I came up with!!!!
I love it! What do you think?

Dancing in the Rain

I have been joking back and forth with a cousin recently. She posted something on Twitter about with every rain their is a rainbow and I told her (after the summer I have had) there still is no sign of a rainbow. She commented that I should pray for sunshine. Well, heck, here in Oklahoma in August I am SICK of sunshine and there is still no rainbow in sight. Then I went to church on Sunday, and found the answer I had been looking for.

Our minister preached a sermon entitled "Learn to Dance in the Rain." In a nutshell, it was about how there will be storms in our lives and the gift that God gives us is the ability to not be afraid to dance in the rain. This got me thinking. I do know how to dance in the rain. This was much easier when I was a child and had less inhibition, but I still remember.....I think. Dancing in the rain as an adult is a little different.

1. I know people may talk. Why is she so happy today? Wasn't she crying her eyes out yesterday?

2. I feel guilty. How can I have a party for my child and invite all of our friends and my dad's new wife? What would mom think? Should I take her picture down for the party so people don't feel uncomfortable?

3. Eventually you are going to have to clean up. Not just dry off, but really clean up and get things back to "normal".


On the other hand, things are not all that different now.

It feels good to think about nothing but the fun you are having in the moment.

This is what I did this weekend as I had my son's 4th birthday party. I had been dreading in for weeks. How can I be in charge of such a fun event when I still feel so sad? God gives us the ability to dance in the rain. I was dancing and I didn't even realize it. I sent out e-mail invitations a couple of weeks in advance, but the preparation for the party did not start until the day before. It all worked out and now I know why.
We turned the backyard playground into a superhero hideout.
We made capes for all of the kids....24 to be exact.
We strung flags to wave over head.
We invited all of my favorite superhero's!

The cake was a bit of a disaster. I can cook, I can knit, I can design invitations, I can sew. I CANNOT Bake!!! But, it worked out. I just wrote, "we've been attacked!"

A perfect way to celebrate the best day of my entire life.....when I became a mom. Two days later he started preschool. What a big boy.

I am Back!

It has been two months, two weeks and two days since we found my mom. She died alone in her apartment at 57. This time has been a complete fog. I remember few of the details of everyday life but the memories of planning my mom's funeral and working out the business details post-mortem are forever going over and over in my head.

Well, life must go on and I am back. I am back from my three week hiatus in New Mexico and I am back to life as it is "after my mom died". Finally, I am back to blogging. This blog has been so cathartic over the past couple of years. I kept this as a sacred place where I talked about all of the wonderful things going on in my life.....outside of the hospital visits, sleepless nights, family arguments, and deep desperation of caring for a parent dealing with addiction. I was not sure I could or should continue after she died. Things are different now. I know how her story ends. There is no more hope that somehow she will pull out of the tailspin.


So, here is what I have decided. I will take it one day at a time (thanks AlAnon for the slogan). I will continue this blog and see how it goes. One of my favorite books to read with my children is We're Going on a Bear Hunt, by Michael Rosen. I love the part in each section that says, "you can't go over it, you can't go under it, we must go through it." This line has gone over and over in my head over the past several years and it is the approach I have decided to take in dealing with the overwhelming grief of losing my beautiful mother.

I'm Not Afraid!!!!

Menu For New Mexico Trip

I just finished the tentative menu for our time out at the Cabin. It features everything from Pork Wellington to Hamburgers. Also included.......Mexican Night (enchilada's and pasole), Chicken Salad, Steak Night, Fluffy Omlets, Tacos, BBQ Sandwiches, Chicken Lombardi to name a few. I am hungry already.

Back in the Studio

I finally got back into the studio today after a several week hiatus. I finally got all of my mom's paperwork out of the boxes and sorted and today was the first day I really enjoyed my studio. It was good to be back. I didn't do very much, but I got some new fabric ironed and my linen napkins ironed. Some of the fabric I ironed is for this Anna Maria Horner pattern that I recently purchased. And it is AMY BUTLER. I am so excited.

The fabric I chose is for the main outside and for the contrast.

Long, Hot Summer

I have missed my time posting, but every time I sit down to write I am overcome with emotion. When mom was still alive, things were so tough. We never knew what to expect or how a day would begin or end. Now, I know.....and I don't feel any better. I used to write for therapy. I started this blog as a place to create my own hopeful world at a time in my life that seemed so hopeless. I committed to only write about happy and upbeat things. My art, my children, photography, cooking.....all of the things that made me smile. Since then, mom has died and a huge part of me is missing. It just doesn't seem right to only post about the happy things. The things that seem happy to me probably don't seem so sacred to the readers.....if I have any readers left after this crazy time.

Here are the things that make me smile:

nights without the phone ringing off the hook

my children TALKING about Grandma P. not ASKING about Grandma P.

Fewer Nightmares

People telling me they are thinking about me instead of asking how mom is doing

knowing that my mom is finally enjoying some peace

The smiles still come through a vail of tears, but it is there. I am going to move on.....we are going to move on, but I will forever think of my mother at every turn. One day the good will outweigh the bad, but that is not going to happen on my time.

I can fight these feelings or trust that this is all a part of grief. I was listening to an interview with Elizabeth Edwards the other day. She said something that made a lot of sense to me. "You look at death differently when you have placed a child in the ground." I pray that I will never know that pain, but I know the sentiment. Things are just not so scary.

I have been listening to Joshua Kadison a lot lately. Every song on his Album, The Complete Venice Beach Sessions seem to tell a little more of my life's story right now. But, my favorite is Gratitude. I am grateful.....grateful for everyone for being so understanding when I am late or just mentally absent, grateful for my children, thankful for some quiet.

GRATITUDE
I hope you find what you're looking for
I hope you get all you desire
I hope that all your dreams come true
I hope they all lift you higher
Now all the visions I once had
of the way our lives would be
I can offer up at last
to the beauty that I see
So please forgive me, please forgive me
for thinking that I ever had
the secret to your holy mystery
please forgive me, please forgive me
for thinking that I ever had
the secret to your holy mystery
And can you feel my gratitude.....
can you feel my gratitude for you
can you feel my gratitude
feel it running deep
feel it running true
can you feel my gratitude....
feel my gratitude for you
can you feel my gratitude for you
It's such an esoteric work
the way you finally said goodbye
took so long for me to hear
through the noise of wondering why
'til I had no place left to run
and I finally had to face
what was really only me
imagining my fall from grace
So please forgive me, please forgive me
for thinking that I ever had the secret to your holy mystery
So please forgive me, please forgive me
for thinking that I ever had the secret to your holy mystery
And can you feel my gratitude.....
can you feel my gratitude for you
can you feel my gratitude
feel it running deep
feel it running true
can you feel my gratitude....
feel my gratitude for you

BTW....it is HOT. 106 degrees HOT!!!......for the second day in a row. I am ready for New Mexico and then Fall.

La Fiesta Parade

You don't get more 4th of July than a small town parade and Las Vegas, NM knows how to do it right. They have an annual 4th of July celebration that is awesome. I have not been in a few years and this year did not disappoint. They had everything....loud music, candy in the streets, great floats, music, etc. View the whole set here then sit back and imagine the smell of a carnival and enchiladas mixed together. ;)