Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Long, Hot Summer

I have missed my time posting, but every time I sit down to write I am overcome with emotion. When mom was still alive, things were so tough. We never knew what to expect or how a day would begin or end. Now, I know.....and I don't feel any better. I used to write for therapy. I started this blog as a place to create my own hopeful world at a time in my life that seemed so hopeless. I committed to only write about happy and upbeat things. My art, my children, photography, cooking.....all of the things that made me smile. Since then, mom has died and a huge part of me is missing. It just doesn't seem right to only post about the happy things. The things that seem happy to me probably don't seem so sacred to the readers.....if I have any readers left after this crazy time.

Here are the things that make me smile:
nights without the phone ringing off the hook
my children TALKING about Grandma P. not ASKING about Grandma P.
Fewer Nightmares
People telling me they are thinking about me instead of asking how mom is doing
knowing that my mom is finally enjoying some peace

The smiles still come through a vail of tears, but it is there. I am going to move on.....we are going to move on, but I will forever think of my mother at every turn. One day the good will outweigh the bad, but that is not going to happen on my time.

I can fight these feelings or trust that this is all a part of grief. I was listening to an interview with Elizabeth Edwards the other day. She said something that made a lot of sense to me. "You look at death differently when you have placed a child in the ground." I pray that I will never know that pain, but I know the sentiment. Things are just not so scary.

I have been listening to Joshua Kadison a lot lately. Every song on his Album, The Complete Venice Beach Sessions seem to tell a little more of my life's story right now. But, my favorite is Gratitude. I am grateful.....grateful for everyone for being so understanding when I am late or just mentally absent, grateful for my children, thankful for some quiet.

GRATITUDE
I hope you find what you're looking for
I hope you get all you desire
I hope that all your dreams come true
I hope they all lift you higher
Now all the visions I once had
of the way our lives would be
I can offer up at last
to the beauty that I see
So please forgive me, please forgive me
for thinking that I ever had
the secret to your holy mystery
please forgive me, please forgive me
for thinking that I ever had
the secret to your holy mystery
And can you feel my gratitude.....
can you feel my gratitude for you
can you feel my gratitude
feel it running deep
feel it running true
can you feel my gratitude....
feel my gratitude for you
can you feel my gratitude for you
It's such an esoteric work
the way you finally said goodbye
took so long for me to hear
through the noise of wondering why
'til I had no place left to run
and I finally had to face
what was really only me
imagining my fall from grace
So please forgive me, please forgive me
for thinking that I ever had the secret to your holy mystery
So please forgive me, please forgive me
for thinking that I ever had the secret to your holy mystery
And can you feel my gratitude.....
can you feel my gratitude for you
can you feel my gratitude
feel it running deep
feel it running true
can you feel my gratitude....
feel my gratitude for you

BTW....it is HOT. 106 degrees HOT!!!......for the second day in a row. I am ready for New Mexico and then Fall.

2 comments:

Heather Ratcliffe Busey said...

I'm still reading and forever thinking and praying for you and your family. I think it is wonderful for you to put this down on paper (electronic, that is) not only for yourself, but for those who may eventually experience a similar situation. You are stronger than you think, Amy...and I'm so proud of how you've held yourself together. We are all here for you and your family if you need anything. God gets to take care of your mother now...what a wonderful gift.

mlc said...

Sweet Amy, I never ever want to imply that I know exactly how you are feeling, but having lost my mother, I can say that bearing the array of emotions in some ways is the most difficult part. I can honestly say that I still bounce between feeling mad, angry, regretful, frustrated, lonely, and even glad (that's the hardest one), but all those emotions just make us real and have brought me to a new level of faith. I'm glad you're not making this blog just about the happy things in life because sometimes it is what we learn during the not-so-happy times that allows us to truly enjoy the times that are happy.